It’s been awhile since I’ve been here but I’ve had a lot going on and thought Mother’s Day was the perfect occasion to jump back in.
Mother’s Day can bring on mixed emotions. Excitement for those expecting for the first time, a day (or hour) of rest for those of us lucky enough to have someone around to take a load off and too often heartache for those who’s baby hasn’t found them yet.
Today I woke up feeling grateful for B. Grateful for a husband who very well could have not made it to this day. As the day progresses other feelings start to sneak in. Sadness for the babies we’ve lost and wondering what life would be like if things were different. I am a mama to 5 in my heart, a mama to 1 to the outside world. The guilt of grieving when I should focus on being blessed to have B. The constant wondering, why did my body fail me and fail these babies. Asking myself if my baby will ever come. The hard truth is, sometimes you don’t get the answers you need. Sometimes what you have is enough and eventually it will all make sense.
So on this Mother’s Day, I hug all of my fellow Mama’s out there. Whether you have one or five. Trying for your first or third. Searching for answers and shedding tears. Let go of the guilt. You are amazing! I’m with you, you are not alone.
I vow to write more, and be more upbeat. But today I get to feel.